Do you ever feel stuck? Stuck in one spot unable to move? That's how I feel right now. I look around and I see everyone moving around but I am not going anywhere. I want to, I have ideas, thoughts, wishes, I just feel unable to move. I feel bound by life, money and time. There never seems to be enough time and never enough money and that is the sum of my life right now. Some of it is fear and insecurity but most of it is confusion. I feel stuck and lost all at the same time. It seems that everything I want to do comes with too many sacrifices to make any effective change.
If I go back to school full time how do I pay for it. How do I find a job to pay the bills and go to school. Will student loans be enough? If I do both, what about Aspen how will I make sure she is properly supervised at home? Will I take night classes, online classes or work weekends? What about when she needs to be picked up after school how will I get to her from school in Denton or a job in Irving?
I would love to find something I could do for myself to make a living like write a book or have my own business. In these economic times how does a person make it happen. I rely on working to make money and provide me with health insurance. Without health insurance I can't afford to keep up with my RA. The costs are astronomical and what happens if Aspen gets sick then what do I do. I already tried to get private insurance for myself and found out I can't due to my pre-existing condition with RA and even if I did my deductible would at least $2500 - $5000.
Life can be so enjoyable but it seems to rely on money. I would love to take a vacation this year and go back to Hawaii but I know i can't afford it. Even if I find a job when I be able to have time off? I miss the ocean and snorkeling. I miss paradise. I miss feeling free and untethered. Of course my time in Hawaii was vacation but it was one the best times I have ever had. The peace and tranquility was so inspiring. Of course the grass is always greener on the other side.
Money, time, and opportunity are so few and far between.
Hanauma Bay - Oahu
My Dream World
About Me
- 4 of Hearts
- We are not humans having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
2 comments:
I so feel for you on all of this. I know how much you love Aspen and you want to shelter her from any harm whatsoever. And I know that being a completely single parent just drains you sometimes. I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes. You are worrying about so much at one time now that I think you don't know where to focus.
In my opinion, first and foremost is keeping a home for you and your child. If that means taking two jobs to pay the bills, then you are going to have to spend less time at home in order to do that.
You are right that those things that are so enjoyable in life do take money and when you spend forever looking at those things, it can seem like you will never get there. I say be thankful for what you have done. I am 31, and the only real vacations I have been on are with my family when I was a kid. And even then, it was Tennessee or theme parks. I have never been to Hawaii, I have never been on a cruise. I have never been snorkeling or swimming with dolphins... if I let myself think about that too long, I get very sad. I feel like I am always so focused on the future that I never enjoy the now. You, on the other hand, have enjoyed the now. I mean look at you with this whole job situation. You took time to rejuvenate. You took time to yourself. I guarantee if it was me, I would have had ulcers and would not have slept until I had a job. I would have never taken any time to myself because all I would have thought about was the future, of the bottom falling out of my life.
The things you are thinking of now, education, perfect careers, exotic travels... those are all great things to think about. But I think the first thing you need to think about is getting the security that you so desperately crave. Get something going to get your life back on course and then start looking out towards the future again. This layoff was a setback and it sucks. But embrace it for what it is and push through it.
And stop stressing over that GRE. You will do fine. Just take a few practice tests to get your gears oiled again and you will be good to go. You are smart as hell... you got that!!
Thanks, I do have a knack for not panicking. LOL I know that things will find a way of working out eventually. I knew that if push came to shove I would do what I had if that means working 2 jobs. I knew that I had done enough things in my life to help balance the scales and hopefully get me by without a lot of heartache or distress.
Don't get me wrong I am very thankful for what I have done. My family never took vacations either. I can remember maybe 4 vacations ever. We didn't really do birthdays either especially not for me - mine is too close to Thanksgiving.
I disillusioned myself into thinking that when Aspen finally reached high school (much faster than I expected) I would have a certain amount of freedom that I haven't had since becoming a mother. I now know that is not the case. Far from it in fact. I hate the idea of working 2 jobs not because I am lazy or I think I am above it but because that would mean Aspen being left without supervision. I have enough problems keeping her in line without a job at all. If became an absent parent too things would get a lot worse. I don't want to risk her running the streets and hanging out with boys. I can't jeopardize her failing anymore than she already is right now.
I have considered just letting her sink. Letting her fail and repeat a grade but then I realize that I can't do that. It is my job to make sure she gets through school no matter if I have to drag her by her hair screaming to the graduation. Then she can do whatever she wants. Until then I am going to push her to the end with everything I have even if that means I don't get my master's or I can't take vacations because I can't find one job that pays enough to afford those things anymore.
So I am trying to focus on some things such as the GRE in case I can find a way to work and do school. I am hoping I will find financial aid to get me started and I will probably have to do online courses at first part time or one class at a time.
But even knowing and understanding these things, I still feel stuck. Four more years will go by so fast and I will still be young enough to find my life's passion. I just wish I had the freedom financially and physically to do certain things now without worry or stress.
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