Graduation!

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2010 Post #2

So, I am not doing so hot at updating!! I think about it daily that I should at the very least write something down if I am not going to blog it but never seem to find the time to do it. Not to mention, that writing is painful! Have you noticed how much it hurts to write these days? It is sickening how lazy we all have become with so much technology around.

Well, I do have more to update. One thing I didn't mention was that my daughter lived with friends last year. Long story short, she is a teenager as most of you know and we just weren't getting along. There was a long list of issues and concerns so we changed her environment and she lived with friends for a year. There was high hopes for lot's of progress and appreciation. Well, none of those things happened. So she came home in August. It has been scary but we are surviving. We are actually communicating better for the most part. We still have our ups and downs and I am weary of her but hopeful and very happy to have my baby girl back again. I was lucky enough to find a private school that caters to her needs and allows her to catch up on missed credits from the previous year. It is costly but in the end worth it for the sake of her confidence and over all well being. Keeping my fingers crossed for a strong year!

So, in my last blog I mentioned I started dating someone in June. Yes, after about 5-6 years of no serious relationships and pretty much no dating for the last 5 years, I am in a relationship. His name is Keith. It was pretty much an accident. I never intended to date and I actually tried not to date him because of some things I deemed as undesirable traits. We started as acquaintances in our meditation class then we became friends after the retreat last year. In fact, he had me do readings for him and giving advice regarding a relationship he was in with another woman. I liked him as a friend. There was an occasional pull I would feel but always told myself, I will never date him.

One night we were hanging out and I did a card reading for him about his future relationships. I am looking at the cards and I am thinking, this is about me. But I am not about to tell him that and I am just being silly anyways. Then he asked me if it was okay to ask me out on a date. Right to my face he asked me. My answer - I don't know that I can do that because we are friends and once you cross that line it is hard to ever go back and I stay friends with people. I don't want to lose you as a friend. I can't remember what he said about that because I was pretty floored he asked me to my face!

Well, it started with me inviting him to social functions involving friends because we were friends and I was just expanding our involvement. For the record we were just friends and I honestly didn't think it would ever be more. For one thing I don't have a lot of faith in men or relationships. I also had my list of things I didn't like about him too.

What changed? Well, to put it simply, he got inside my heart. It has been a strange and fast process for both of us. We have a lot of growing and learning to do from each other but so far we are getting through it. I guess you could say the list of good things has grown longer than the bad. We share things in common but what I appreciate most is that we both believe in Buddhism, meditation and overall spiritualism. I like sharing my beliefs and interests with someone. It makes life feel so much simpler when you share common beliefs and it helps to bridge areas that are not so good. So I am not going to go on and on about some perfect love or perfect relationship because that wouldn't be true but does he make me very happy and feel content and safe? Yes.

I don't know what the future holds. Will we be together in 6 months or 12 months? I don't know but I know we talk about life as if that is the case. We have both let some of our walls come down and allowed ourselves to feel true emotions from each other. A big step for each of us. It's scary and exciting all at the same time.

Now if I could get the other parts of my life on the same solid ground!! Would that be too boring? I wish I could experience it to find out!

Wow - 1 Year passes fast

Holy cow!

It has been more than a year since my last post. I guess I just didn't have the energy to put anything into words last year. So much has changed in my life this last year. There is not enough space to cover it all. Emotionally, I am not sure I can cover it all. I don't have many followers so most know what I have been doing so there are no surprises just no reflections from me on here.

Short list of changes:
1. Started job at RR Donnelley July 1, 2009
2. Started attending meditation 1 day a week July 2009
3. Fell into an abyss of sadness and confusion
3. October 2009 attended meditation retreat - found some relief
4. March 2010 started new job at ASAP Printing
5. Throughout this planned my 20 year class reunion in Cheyenne, Wyoming
6. Started dating someone June 2010
7. Attended class reunion July 16-18, 2010

Nothing impressive and probably some gaps but I noticed that my memory is not so strong in regards to 2009. In fact it's more like a haze to me than a real memory. Funny how the mind does that to you when you don't have a lot of good things to remember. Only the really bad ones stick with you and all the other mediocre sad ones just fall to the side like a thick fog.

Well, I am at work so I should get back to it but hopefully I will find some free time to update this properly.

Enjoying the Light in the Sky

For those of you that don't know, I am still unemployed. I was able to get my unemployment benefits extended for 20 more weeks. That was a nice relief. I am trying to stay productive and get things completed which I am never that good at regarding my personal stuff. I was pleased to be able to compile a pretty good list the last time I updated so I am going to do it again.

1. Officially completed Aspen's room - painted stars on the wall, got her a new bed and mattress and she is officially moved into her bedroom.
2. Hosted the first teen party at the house to celebrate her birthday and sleepover in her new room.
3. Was approved for my RA meds for free for one year! Relief!
4. Still studying (slowly) for GRE.
5. Working on jewelry again, expanding, adding earrings and bracelets. Deciding on a name.
6. Did 3 card readings for clients and made $85!
7. Started clearing out the garage 1 box at a time.
8. Still gardening - planing more flowers.
9. Still working on the class reunion stuff - need to get a meeting together with the volunteers.
10. I am still job searching but trying to take advantage of this time off and enjoy the weather and the leisure time.

Goals:
Finish studying for GRE and take the test.
Finish clearing out the garage.
Get the spare bedroom set up.
Get my jewelry set up online.
Go on an all girl trip with my girls even if it is just for an extended weekend!
Figure out what I am going to be when I grow up.

I have been reading books like crazy. Mainly anything I can get my hands on so whatever my daughter has not finished or has not started I have been reading. So a lot of teen based books but I love to read so it is good and I haven't had any crying sessions over it! LOL

The dogs are doing good. I love hanging out with them during the day. The birds and squirrels running all over the neighborhood are entertaining too. It makes me wish I had drawing skills!

So the theme? I am enjoying the light in the sky and feeling stress free since life is never simple for long.

Conquering Fears

Well, I had to face a new fear last night by myself. As I was putting the dogs to bed and turning out lights I saw something slither across the kitchen floor. Yes, I wrote slither. It was a tiny snake about 6 inches long. I just stood for a second thinking what do I do with it. Where did it come from? If I get a shovel and kill I still have to clean it up and that would be gross. If I try and scoop it with something it could slither away. I knew I couldn't leave it, that would be horrible and where would it end up. So after about 2 minutes of thinking I decided I should get my gardening gloves and just pick it up and throw it outside. As I got the gloves I wasn't sure if I had it in me to pick it up. Would I freak out? Would it slither around? I put on the gloves and I stood there for a second looking at it thinking you can do this, it's just a snake and it will be better than killing it and cleaning it up. So I bent down and touched it. It didn't move. The gloves are thick and bulky so it was hard to get a hold of it. I had to try 2 or 3 times before I got a grip on it but I was totally shocked. It didn't squirm at all! I have no idea if that was because it was more scared than me or if that is just the way snakes behave. I got a hold of it and went out on the back porch and threw it out in the yard. Woo hoo! Task done! I glanced around to see if I could figure out where it came from but I couldn't find any obvious signs of how it entered. Oh well, it was gone and if it happened again, I knew I could handle it!! Off to bed I went! Who needs a man?!?!?

Is LOVE a Four Letter Word?

What happened to human decency and conscience? In this ugly world where people are dying for our country and losing their jobs why can't people do the simplest of things to generate positive energy? Why can't people take other's thoughts or feelings into consideration? Is it too hard to not want the cake and eat it too?

We are taught very young that we shouldn't use 4 letter words like shit, damn, fuck, dick, etc. What about the word love? Is LOVE a four letter word? Some of us grow up in a household that expresses love daily and hear it from parents daily. Some of us read about it in a book. Fantasizing about prince charming or having a family like Beaver Cleaver's. Is love a bad word? It has 4 letters just like the "bad" words. Technically if we count the number of letters yes it is but do we see it as a "4 letter word"?

Here are some dictionary definitions of love.
1 a:(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
(2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
(3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b: an assurance of love
2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3 a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1): a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment
(2)British —used as an informal term of address
4 a: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as
(1): the fatherly concern of God for humankind
(2): brotherly concern for others

What does this mean? Love can be expressed in many different ways. From a the joy of a hobby to the attention of a child to the strong connection or passion with an individual. There is way or one degree of love for everything. One thing that struck me was the part about concern for humankind and unselfish loyalty for another person. So if you love someone do you need to clarify what level you are meaning? Do you get the great love affair without the loyalty and concern? Do you get the concern without loyalty? This a very complicated word.

Conversely there is an opposite to love - hate, dislike, disdain, etc. Do you get one without the other side of it? Is there not a balance that seems to be maintained in the universe whether we agree or not. It seems that the people we love and trust the most are the ones that have the ability to hurt us in the worst ways. The more you love, adore and trust the easier it is to feel pain. This little word love gives us the deepest pleasures and can open us up to the greatest losses and feelings of despair. It hardly seems fair but does it balance out the ways of the universe? In order to love do we need to know how to hate? Maybe to be loved we need to remember that we will also feel the opposite too?

It is our experiences in life that gives us the different meanings and strength for the word love. Some of us will find ultimate happiness and joy with the word. Some of us will feel content and warm inside with the word. While some of us might look at it with same caution we do when we approach a cliff. Stepping carefully in order to avoid sliding down the slope. Since you can't see what is on the other side it makes it very precarious. Will you find rocks, grass, or water. Will there be a railing or rope to assist should yous slip? This can very scary. This gives us the fear of the word and the feelings either because of the unknown or the fear of the opposite.

Love reaches us in so many different ways. For instance I love my family, my friends, my pets, my photos, etc. But who do I trust my love with? Will I give love without receiving the same in return? Yes, sometimes I will. Some things are safer than others like the love of a child or a pet. It is what we call unconditional or safe. With them you find the lush green grassy slope that is easy to traverse. With some family and friends it can be bumpy even rocky. This is where pain can come in.

The more green grass experiences we have the easier it is to love. The more bumpy and rocky our experiences the harder it is. So what should we do? Do we stay away from this four letter word? Is protecting the heart and soul more important than looking over the edge?

You never know what you are going to find. Sometimes it will be peaceful, sometimes it will be wonderful and then there will be the hard times. The times that you feel like you have tumbled over the cliff and down a rocky slope with shards of glass stabbing your entire being. It hurts. The wounds are wide open and fresh and feeling like they will never heal. You have pour alcohol on it the wounds to heal them and protect them. So you relive a lot of memories. You hear things you don't want to hear but in the end the wounds will heal. Even scars heal and fade after time.

Now as we all stand here on the edge wondering what is on the otherside - what are we thinking? Are we avoiding looking over? Is someone looking for a different path? I know we have all been there and it is not easy. But to never take the steps to see what is there won't keep a person safe. Never to let yourself look over the edge won't keep us safe. Also, never letting yourself look back and remember won't keep us safe either. What will you choose to do when you look over the edge?

Feeling the light in the sky

So since my last update I have actually been doing pretty good. Sometimes you just need to expel the negative thoughts in order to clear yourself. Here are some things I have done this week.
1. Worked on my 20 year class reunion.
2. Finished painting my daughter's bedroom
3. Bought some plants, pots and soil to plant which included purchasing a shovel too.
4. Continue to apply for jobs
5. Started brainstorming ideas for my daughter's upcoming 14th birthday - even order some items for her.
6. GRE studying - well not so much but the week is not over
7. Sent the paperwork for my RA meds to the doctor's office after I spent 2 days calling and waiting to hear back from them. I need to apply for this special program to hopefully get my meds for free or discounted since I no longer have insurance and can't afford the exorbitant costs.
8. Taking 1 dog to be groomed and examined by the vet.

So not so bad of a week. It's a slow but with the weather finally warming up I am feeling a little better. Of course getting my RA meds will make things even better but that will take a couple more weeks to process.

I need to stay motivated on studying for the GRE since I hope to take the test in May. The sooner I take the test the sooner I can apply for schools and that means now for the fall. Hopefully, I can find a way to at least take one class to start.

The job search still sucks but that is par for the course and I trying not to stress. I feel like this is god's plan for me and I am going with the flow of energy and not losing faith. I even have a card reading set with 2 people on May 1st so that will give me a bit of money too. I will probably start reading at the fair again too. Plus I have a couple other options out there that I can take as well so it is not a lost cause. Just not the same level I was at previously but money doesn't buy happiness.

I am loving the mild weather and I am looking forward to the brighter days ahead.

Think Positive

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GRE studying

I started reading my GRE book today. It has some very insightful tips in it. I am glad I bought it. The first section is math...

What have I gotten myself into? Do I really want to subject myself to this? Why is this necessary? Can't we just go after an education regardless of an assessment exam? If a person wants to be educated and pay for it, I don't see why we need to be assessed to go to grad school. It seems like an unnecessary punishment.

How will I remember it all for the test? Maybe I should skip the math sections and go to the verbal and reading section. Save the match section for last since it will be the toughest for me to remember. I hope...

Stuck

Do you ever feel stuck? Stuck in one spot unable to move? That's how I feel right now. I look around and I see everyone moving around but I am not going anywhere. I want to, I have ideas, thoughts, wishes, I just feel unable to move. I feel bound by life, money and time. There never seems to be enough time and never enough money and that is the sum of my life right now. Some of it is fear and insecurity but most of it is confusion. I feel stuck and lost all at the same time. It seems that everything I want to do comes with too many sacrifices to make any effective change.

If I go back to school full time how do I pay for it. How do I find a job to pay the bills and go to school. Will student loans be enough? If I do both, what about Aspen how will I make sure she is properly supervised at home? Will I take night classes, online classes or work weekends? What about when she needs to be picked up after school how will I get to her from school in Denton or a job in Irving?

I would love to find something I could do for myself to make a living like write a book or have my own business. In these economic times how does a person make it happen. I rely on working to make money and provide me with health insurance. Without health insurance I can't afford to keep up with my RA. The costs are astronomical and what happens if Aspen gets sick then what do I do. I already tried to get private insurance for myself and found out I can't due to my pre-existing condition with RA and even if I did my deductible would at least $2500 - $5000.

Life can be so enjoyable but it seems to rely on money. I would love to take a vacation this year and go back to Hawaii but I know i can't afford it. Even if I find a job when I be able to have time off? I miss the ocean and snorkeling. I miss paradise. I miss feeling free and untethered. Of course my time in Hawaii was vacation but it was one the best times I have ever had. The peace and tranquility was so inspiring. Of course the grass is always greener on the other side.

Money, time, and opportunity are so few and far between.