For those of you that don't know, I am still unemployed. I was able to get my unemployment benefits extended for 20 more weeks. That was a nice relief. I am trying to stay productive and get things completed which I am never that good at regarding my personal stuff. I was pleased to be able to compile a pretty good list the last time I updated so I am going to do it again.
1. Officially completed Aspen's room - painted stars on the wall, got her a new bed and mattress and she is officially moved into her bedroom.
2. Hosted the first teen party at the house to celebrate her birthday and sleepover in her new room.
3. Was approved for my RA meds for free for one year! Relief!
4. Still studying (slowly) for GRE.
5. Working on jewelry again, expanding, adding earrings and bracelets. Deciding on a name.
6. Did 3 card readings for clients and made $85!
7. Started clearing out the garage 1 box at a time.
8. Still gardening - planing more flowers.
9. Still working on the class reunion stuff - need to get a meeting together with the volunteers.
10. I am still job searching but trying to take advantage of this time off and enjoy the weather and the leisure time.
Goals:
Finish studying for GRE and take the test.
Finish clearing out the garage.
Get the spare bedroom set up.
Get my jewelry set up online.
Go on an all girl trip with my girls even if it is just for an extended weekend!
Figure out what I am going to be when I grow up.
I have been reading books like crazy. Mainly anything I can get my hands on so whatever my daughter has not finished or has not started I have been reading. So a lot of teen based books but I love to read so it is good and I haven't had any crying sessions over it! LOL
The dogs are doing good. I love hanging out with them during the day. The birds and squirrels running all over the neighborhood are entertaining too. It makes me wish I had drawing skills!
So the theme? I am enjoying the light in the sky and feeling stress free since life is never simple for long.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Conquering Fears
Well, I had to face a new fear last night by myself. As I was putting the dogs to bed and turning out lights I saw something slither across the kitchen floor. Yes, I wrote slither. It was a tiny snake about 6 inches long. I just stood for a second thinking what do I do with it. Where did it come from? If I get a shovel and kill I still have to clean it up and that would be gross. If I try and scoop it with something it could slither away. I knew I couldn't leave it, that would be horrible and where would it end up. So after about 2 minutes of thinking I decided I should get my gardening gloves and just pick it up and throw it outside. As I got the gloves I wasn't sure if I had it in me to pick it up. Would I freak out? Would it slither around? I put on the gloves and I stood there for a second looking at it thinking you can do this, it's just a snake and it will be better than killing it and cleaning it up. So I bent down and touched it. It didn't move. The gloves are thick and bulky so it was hard to get a hold of it. I had to try 2 or 3 times before I got a grip on it but I was totally shocked. It didn't squirm at all! I have no idea if that was because it was more scared than me or if that is just the way snakes behave. I got a hold of it and went out on the back porch and threw it out in the yard. Woo hoo! Task done! I glanced around to see if I could figure out where it came from but I couldn't find any obvious signs of how it entered. Oh well, it was gone and if it happened again, I knew I could handle it!! Off to bed I went! Who needs a man?!?!?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Is LOVE a Four Letter Word?
What happened to human decency and conscience? In this ugly world where people are dying for our country and losing their jobs why can't people do the simplest of things to generate positive energy? Why can't people take other's thoughts or feelings into consideration? Is it too hard to not want the cake and eat it too?
We are taught very young that we shouldn't use 4 letter words like shit, damn, fuck, dick, etc. What about the word love? Is LOVE a four letter word? Some of us grow up in a household that expresses love daily and hear it from parents daily. Some of us read about it in a book. Fantasizing about prince charming or having a family like Beaver Cleaver's. Is love a bad word? It has 4 letters just like the "bad" words. Technically if we count the number of letters yes it is but do we see it as a "4 letter word"?
Here are some dictionary definitions of love.
1 a:(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
(2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
(3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b: an assurance of love
2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3 a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1): a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment
(2)British —used as an informal term of address
4 a: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as
(1): the fatherly concern of God for humankind
(2): brotherly concern for others
What does this mean? Love can be expressed in many different ways. From a the joy of a hobby to the attention of a child to the strong connection or passion with an individual. There is way or one degree of love for everything. One thing that struck me was the part about concern for humankind and unselfish loyalty for another person. So if you love someone do you need to clarify what level you are meaning? Do you get the great love affair without the loyalty and concern? Do you get the concern without loyalty? This a very complicated word.
Conversely there is an opposite to love - hate, dislike, disdain, etc. Do you get one without the other side of it? Is there not a balance that seems to be maintained in the universe whether we agree or not. It seems that the people we love and trust the most are the ones that have the ability to hurt us in the worst ways. The more you love, adore and trust the easier it is to feel pain. This little word love gives us the deepest pleasures and can open us up to the greatest losses and feelings of despair. It hardly seems fair but does it balance out the ways of the universe? In order to love do we need to know how to hate? Maybe to be loved we need to remember that we will also feel the opposite too?
It is our experiences in life that gives us the different meanings and strength for the word love. Some of us will find ultimate happiness and joy with the word. Some of us will feel content and warm inside with the word. While some of us might look at it with same caution we do when we approach a cliff. Stepping carefully in order to avoid sliding down the slope. Since you can't see what is on the other side it makes it very precarious. Will you find rocks, grass, or water. Will there be a railing or rope to assist should yous slip? This can very scary. This gives us the fear of the word and the feelings either because of the unknown or the fear of the opposite.
Love reaches us in so many different ways. For instance I love my family, my friends, my pets, my photos, etc. But who do I trust my love with? Will I give love without receiving the same in return? Yes, sometimes I will. Some things are safer than others like the love of a child or a pet. It is what we call unconditional or safe. With them you find the lush green grassy slope that is easy to traverse. With some family and friends it can be bumpy even rocky. This is where pain can come in.
The more green grass experiences we have the easier it is to love. The more bumpy and rocky our experiences the harder it is. So what should we do? Do we stay away from this four letter word? Is protecting the heart and soul more important than looking over the edge?
You never know what you are going to find. Sometimes it will be peaceful, sometimes it will be wonderful and then there will be the hard times. The times that you feel like you have tumbled over the cliff and down a rocky slope with shards of glass stabbing your entire being. It hurts. The wounds are wide open and fresh and feeling like they will never heal. You have pour alcohol on it the wounds to heal them and protect them. So you relive a lot of memories. You hear things you don't want to hear but in the end the wounds will heal. Even scars heal and fade after time.
Now as we all stand here on the edge wondering what is on the otherside - what are we thinking? Are we avoiding looking over? Is someone looking for a different path? I know we have all been there and it is not easy. But to never take the steps to see what is there won't keep a person safe. Never to let yourself look over the edge won't keep us safe. Also, never letting yourself look back and remember won't keep us safe either. What will you choose to do when you look over the edge?
We are taught very young that we shouldn't use 4 letter words like shit, damn, fuck, dick, etc. What about the word love? Is LOVE a four letter word? Some of us grow up in a household that expresses love daily and hear it from parents daily. Some of us read about it in a book. Fantasizing about prince charming or having a family like Beaver Cleaver's. Is love a bad word? It has 4 letters just like the "bad" words. Technically if we count the number of letters yes it is but do we see it as a "4 letter word"?
Here are some dictionary definitions of love.
1 a:(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
(2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
(3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3 a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration
(2)British —used as an informal term of address
4 a: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as
(1): the fatherly concern of God for humankind
(2): brotherly concern for others
What does this mean? Love can be expressed in many different ways. From a the joy of a hobby to the attention of a child to the strong connection or passion with an individual. There is way or one degree of love for everything. One thing that struck me was the part about concern for humankind and unselfish loyalty for another person. So if you love someone do you need to clarify what level you are meaning? Do you get the great love affair without the loyalty and concern? Do you get the concern without loyalty? This a very complicated word.
Conversely there is an opposite to love - hate, dislike, disdain, etc. Do you get one without the other side of it? Is there not a balance that seems to be maintained in the universe whether we agree or not. It seems that the people we love and trust the most are the ones that have the ability to hurt us in the worst ways. The more you love, adore and trust the easier it is to feel pain. This little word love gives us the deepest pleasures and can open us up to the greatest losses and feelings of despair. It hardly seems fair but does it balance out the ways of the universe? In order to love do we need to know how to hate? Maybe to be loved we need to remember that we will also feel the opposite too?
It is our experiences in life that gives us the different meanings and strength for the word love. Some of us will find ultimate happiness and joy with the word. Some of us will feel content and warm inside with the word. While some of us might look at it with same caution we do when we approach a cliff. Stepping carefully in order to avoid sliding down the slope. Since you can't see what is on the other side it makes it very precarious. Will you find rocks, grass, or water. Will there be a railing or rope to assist should yous slip? This can very scary. This gives us the fear of the word and the feelings either because of the unknown or the fear of the opposite.
Love reaches us in so many different ways. For instance I love my family, my friends, my pets, my photos, etc. But who do I trust my love with? Will I give love without receiving the same in return? Yes, sometimes I will. Some things are safer than others like the love of a child or a pet. It is what we call unconditional or safe. With them you find the lush green grassy slope that is easy to traverse. With some family and friends it can be bumpy even rocky. This is where pain can come in.
The more green grass experiences we have the easier it is to love. The more bumpy and rocky our experiences the harder it is. So what should we do? Do we stay away from this four letter word? Is protecting the heart and soul more important than looking over the edge?
You never know what you are going to find. Sometimes it will be peaceful, sometimes it will be wonderful and then there will be the hard times. The times that you feel like you have tumbled over the cliff and down a rocky slope with shards of glass stabbing your entire being. It hurts. The wounds are wide open and fresh and feeling like they will never heal. You have pour alcohol on it the wounds to heal them and protect them. So you relive a lot of memories. You hear things you don't want to hear but in the end the wounds will heal. Even scars heal and fade after time.
Now as we all stand here on the edge wondering what is on the otherside - what are we thinking? Are we avoiding looking over? Is someone looking for a different path? I know we have all been there and it is not easy. But to never take the steps to see what is there won't keep a person safe. Never to let yourself look over the edge won't keep us safe. Also, never letting yourself look back and remember won't keep us safe either. What will you choose to do when you look over the edge?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Feeling the light in the sky
So since my last update I have actually been doing pretty good. Sometimes you just need to expel the negative thoughts in order to clear yourself. Here are some things I have done this week.
1. Worked on my 20 year class reunion.
2. Finished painting my daughter's bedroom
3. Bought some plants, pots and soil to plant which included purchasing a shovel too.
4. Continue to apply for jobs
5. Started brainstorming ideas for my daughter's upcoming 14th birthday - even order some items for her.
6. GRE studying - well not so much but the week is not over
7. Sent the paperwork for my RA meds to the doctor's office after I spent 2 days calling and waiting to hear back from them. I need to apply for this special program to hopefully get my meds for free or discounted since I no longer have insurance and can't afford the exorbitant costs.
8. Taking 1 dog to be groomed and examined by the vet.
So not so bad of a week. It's a slow but with the weather finally warming up I am feeling a little better. Of course getting my RA meds will make things even better but that will take a couple more weeks to process.
I need to stay motivated on studying for the GRE since I hope to take the test in May. The sooner I take the test the sooner I can apply for schools and that means now for the fall. Hopefully, I can find a way to at least take one class to start.
The job search still sucks but that is par for the course and I trying not to stress. I feel like this is god's plan for me and I am going with the flow of energy and not losing faith. I even have a card reading set with 2 people on May 1st so that will give me a bit of money too. I will probably start reading at the fair again too. Plus I have a couple other options out there that I can take as well so it is not a lost cause. Just not the same level I was at previously but money doesn't buy happiness.
I am loving the mild weather and I am looking forward to the brighter days ahead.
1. Worked on my 20 year class reunion.
2. Finished painting my daughter's bedroom
3. Bought some plants, pots and soil to plant which included purchasing a shovel too.
4. Continue to apply for jobs
5. Started brainstorming ideas for my daughter's upcoming 14th birthday - even order some items for her.
6. GRE studying - well not so much but the week is not over
7. Sent the paperwork for my RA meds to the doctor's office after I spent 2 days calling and waiting to hear back from them. I need to apply for this special program to hopefully get my meds for free or discounted since I no longer have insurance and can't afford the exorbitant costs.
8. Taking 1 dog to be groomed and examined by the vet.
So not so bad of a week. It's a slow but with the weather finally warming up I am feeling a little better. Of course getting my RA meds will make things even better but that will take a couple more weeks to process.
I need to stay motivated on studying for the GRE since I hope to take the test in May. The sooner I take the test the sooner I can apply for schools and that means now for the fall. Hopefully, I can find a way to at least take one class to start.
The job search still sucks but that is par for the course and I trying not to stress. I feel like this is god's plan for me and I am going with the flow of energy and not losing faith. I even have a card reading set with 2 people on May 1st so that will give me a bit of money too. I will probably start reading at the fair again too. Plus I have a couple other options out there that I can take as well so it is not a lost cause. Just not the same level I was at previously but money doesn't buy happiness.
I am loving the mild weather and I am looking forward to the brighter days ahead.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Think Positive
Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive Think Positive
GRE studying
I started reading my GRE book today. It has some very insightful tips in it. I am glad I bought it. The first section is math...
What have I gotten myself into? Do I really want to subject myself to this? Why is this necessary? Can't we just go after an education regardless of an assessment exam? If a person wants to be educated and pay for it, I don't see why we need to be assessed to go to grad school. It seems like an unnecessary punishment.
How will I remember it all for the test? Maybe I should skip the math sections and go to the verbal and reading section. Save the match section for last since it will be the toughest for me to remember. I hope...
What have I gotten myself into? Do I really want to subject myself to this? Why is this necessary? Can't we just go after an education regardless of an assessment exam? If a person wants to be educated and pay for it, I don't see why we need to be assessed to go to grad school. It seems like an unnecessary punishment.
How will I remember it all for the test? Maybe I should skip the math sections and go to the verbal and reading section. Save the match section for last since it will be the toughest for me to remember. I hope...
Stuck
Do you ever feel stuck? Stuck in one spot unable to move? That's how I feel right now. I look around and I see everyone moving around but I am not going anywhere. I want to, I have ideas, thoughts, wishes, I just feel unable to move. I feel bound by life, money and time. There never seems to be enough time and never enough money and that is the sum of my life right now. Some of it is fear and insecurity but most of it is confusion. I feel stuck and lost all at the same time. It seems that everything I want to do comes with too many sacrifices to make any effective change.
If I go back to school full time how do I pay for it. How do I find a job to pay the bills and go to school. Will student loans be enough? If I do both, what about Aspen how will I make sure she is properly supervised at home? Will I take night classes, online classes or work weekends? What about when she needs to be picked up after school how will I get to her from school in Denton or a job in Irving?
I would love to find something I could do for myself to make a living like write a book or have my own business. In these economic times how does a person make it happen. I rely on working to make money and provide me with health insurance. Without health insurance I can't afford to keep up with my RA. The costs are astronomical and what happens if Aspen gets sick then what do I do. I already tried to get private insurance for myself and found out I can't due to my pre-existing condition with RA and even if I did my deductible would at least $2500 - $5000.
Life can be so enjoyable but it seems to rely on money. I would love to take a vacation this year and go back to Hawaii but I know i can't afford it. Even if I find a job when I be able to have time off? I miss the ocean and snorkeling. I miss paradise. I miss feeling free and untethered. Of course my time in Hawaii was vacation but it was one the best times I have ever had. The peace and tranquility was so inspiring. Of course the grass is always greener on the other side.
Money, time, and opportunity are so few and far between.
If I go back to school full time how do I pay for it. How do I find a job to pay the bills and go to school. Will student loans be enough? If I do both, what about Aspen how will I make sure she is properly supervised at home? Will I take night classes, online classes or work weekends? What about when she needs to be picked up after school how will I get to her from school in Denton or a job in Irving?
I would love to find something I could do for myself to make a living like write a book or have my own business. In these economic times how does a person make it happen. I rely on working to make money and provide me with health insurance. Without health insurance I can't afford to keep up with my RA. The costs are astronomical and what happens if Aspen gets sick then what do I do. I already tried to get private insurance for myself and found out I can't due to my pre-existing condition with RA and even if I did my deductible would at least $2500 - $5000.
Life can be so enjoyable but it seems to rely on money. I would love to take a vacation this year and go back to Hawaii but I know i can't afford it. Even if I find a job when I be able to have time off? I miss the ocean and snorkeling. I miss paradise. I miss feeling free and untethered. Of course my time in Hawaii was vacation but it was one the best times I have ever had. The peace and tranquility was so inspiring. Of course the grass is always greener on the other side.
Money, time, and opportunity are so few and far between.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Introspection
Written Jan 28, 2009 but never posted.
Funny I should stumble on it Jan 29, 2011 so here it is. Nothing changed just thought I would put it out there with the rest of my thoughts.
So, I have been talking to very old friend of mine lately. Not only is he an old friend he is an ex-boyfriend. He is not someone I dated for an extreme amount of time due to various circumstances but we always had a certain connection. He was someone I could talk to easily about any topic. We have kept in touch randomly over the years through email but never anything in depth. Then Facebook comes along (which is a whole topic in it's own) and now we chat or exchange emails a few times a week.
Last night we were chatting and he was asking about current pictures of me and I told him I have them on myspace. So he went there to check out my page. He sees my pictures, he reads my, about me, etc. He comes back and says some things about it like I don't seem happy and I don't seem to have a good impression of myself. He starts analyzing my pictures and telling me how stiff and posed all my pictures seem. I of course disagree. Then he gives me a compliment about how pretty or nice I look, which I am the worst person to accept a compliment graciously. I don't why but I don't really like random compliments it makes me feel uncomfortable. So of course he starts to analyze that. I laugh because it funny and of course put on the spot I didn't really have any decent responses to his comments.
Well after we got off the phone I started to look at my page thinking maybe he is right. Maybe I need to update my about me and add more pictures. I start re-reading the about me and looking at the blogs I posted and looking at pictures. I don't want to change my "about me" . I have intentionally left it the way it is so I don't forget how I felt when I moved here. I don't want to forget that time and place that I was at in my life.
When I started the myspace page, I had been in Texas about 3 years and a lot had happened to me during that time. I had not kept a journal in many years. I had not written down any thoughts about myself or my life since moving here. When myspace first came out - I treated like it sounds "myspace". Of course it evolved into a social gathering place where we act goofy, leave silly messages and stalk people that leave their profiles public. So in a sense I should change the "about me" to fit the environment but I am not going to because it represents something I wrote about myself that is honest and from the heart and I don't care who reads and I really don't care if I am misunderstood.
Funny I should stumble on it Jan 29, 2011 so here it is. Nothing changed just thought I would put it out there with the rest of my thoughts.
So, I have been talking to very old friend of mine lately. Not only is he an old friend he is an ex-boyfriend. He is not someone I dated for an extreme amount of time due to various circumstances but we always had a certain connection. He was someone I could talk to easily about any topic. We have kept in touch randomly over the years through email but never anything in depth. Then Facebook comes along (which is a whole topic in it's own) and now we chat or exchange emails a few times a week.
Last night we were chatting and he was asking about current pictures of me and I told him I have them on myspace. So he went there to check out my page. He sees my pictures, he reads my, about me, etc. He comes back and says some things about it like I don't seem happy and I don't seem to have a good impression of myself. He starts analyzing my pictures and telling me how stiff and posed all my pictures seem. I of course disagree. Then he gives me a compliment about how pretty or nice I look, which I am the worst person to accept a compliment graciously. I don't why but I don't really like random compliments it makes me feel uncomfortable. So of course he starts to analyze that. I laugh because it funny and of course put on the spot I didn't really have any decent responses to his comments.
Well after we got off the phone I started to look at my page thinking maybe he is right. Maybe I need to update my about me and add more pictures. I start re-reading the about me and looking at the blogs I posted and looking at pictures. I don't want to change my "about me" . I have intentionally left it the way it is so I don't forget how I felt when I moved here. I don't want to forget that time and place that I was at in my life.
When I started the myspace page, I had been in Texas about 3 years and a lot had happened to me during that time. I had not kept a journal in many years. I had not written down any thoughts about myself or my life since moving here. When myspace first came out - I treated like it sounds "myspace". Of course it evolved into a social gathering place where we act goofy, leave silly messages and stalk people that leave their profiles public. So in a sense I should change the "about me" to fit the environment but I am not going to because it represents something I wrote about myself that is honest and from the heart and I don't care who reads and I really don't care if I am misunderstood.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Update - long overdue and boring!
So, I was kind of on a short roll there with this blogging. Then I just stopped. A lot of things in my life just stopped. First of all, I wasn't really feeling great about the dating thing. I just wasn't feeling a connection with guys. I couldn't figure out if it was me or them. Am I too closed off or are the guys talking to me just blah. Well, I didn't have long to contemplate because the next thing to happen to me was to be laid off from the company I had been with for 8 years. I was laid off Fedex Kinko's on September 26, 2008 just days from my 8th year anniversary on Oct. 2.
The layoff was a surreal experience. I had already been through it twice before with them and by this time I felt like a pro. I had been down the road for various reasons and results in the past. This was no different than before but at least I was still getting paid. In fact they kept the 300+ people on payroll till November 28th, the day before my birthday. Wow, this company really knows how to make a person feel good! Happy Birthday, see ya! At least this time I was getting a decent severance package - 4 months to be exact. Woo hoo!
Initially, I was all set to run out and get a job so I could bank some money. That would be the smart thing to do! LOL Then I wanted to take a vacation but Aspen's school schedule didn't work out for that and I basically felt uncomfortable running off at Thanksgiving since I didn't know what I wanted to do yet. So we stuck around town and had a nice time with friends. It was very relaxing. I should have run off to Sedona like I originally wanted to do but I let fear of the uncertainty cloud me.
As luck would have it, Aspen was going through some really rough times at her new school. Her grades were suffering, her behavior was suffering and she was basically a complete jerk to live with. Since I didn't have a job, it was a lot easier to stay on top of her and the school regarding her performance. I spent a lot of time emailing and calling teachers as well as chaperoning for her orchestra class. I was doing as much as I could to stay in contact with the school and monitoring Aspen at home as well. No longer was she a latch key kid. I was and still am home everyday she gets home from school which has not been the norm in our lives. This is structure she really needed and didn't enjoy at first. Now that she is adjusted to it, I think she might actually miss if I am not here when gets off the bus.
Next my dad decided to come to see us at my new house. He also wanted to clean out his garage/barn and fill my garage with the crap that has been stored there for the last 5 years!! Ugggghhhhh! Now I am back at square -55 (going backwards instead of forward). Oh well, it was cool having my dad stay with us and driving him around the city. My family is not very close so to do anything together is out of the ordinary! I also decided to jump in the truck with him and drive back to Wyoming for Xmas. So we packed up the car with Xmas gifts for the family, some clothes and the dogs and off we went. I also reserved a one way rental car from Denver to Cheyenne for $340 which was way cheaper than round trip plane tickets and the cost of boarding 2 dogs at the kennel.
It was a nice trip. Very cold weather that was too cold to snow so it made for good driving conditions. People in Texas always love that comment - too cold to snow? Yes, that is why I left the frozen tundra of the north - too cold and too windy!! I met up with a few old friends from high school and hung with my family. I spent the day and night in Denver on my way back to Texas. That was loads of fun to be able to reconnect with a couple of people in Denver. The best part of driving was not being on a set time frame that an airline ticket would have imposed. I loved the freedom to come and go as I pleased and not worry if I was off schedule by an hour or so. Hell, I didn't even set a schedule! I just went with the flow and I loved it!
So here I am back in Texas. I have decided that I need to go back for a Master's Degree in Psychology. I also need to find some good employment that will offer me the flexibility to work and go to school but still pay my bills timely. I am on unemployment and still waiting for my first payment since my former employer has not responded the inquiries about my employment status. So not only do they lay us off and make us sign a Non Compete Agreement (god forbid should be allowed to find employment with someone that would want our skills or knowledge) they don't respond to the Unemployment Office so we don't get paid on time. So, do I feel bad they let me go or that I decided to take the severance instead of securing alternative employment with the company?? Hell no, I do not feel bad. I deserve this break no matter how frugal or uninspired it may seem to others.
So my current goals are to get some more resumes out to the city and find the right job. I need to research the GRE testing and study for it to prepare for applying to grad school in the fall. I also need to get my lazy ass back in the gym. I need to start doing things that inspire me again like writing and reading. I have been reading quite a bit but not writing. So I am rejuvenating my blog again. I think it is therapeutic to write. Whether it is on paper or on a computer. It stimulates the mind. It helps a person look at their thoughts or feelings and truly grasp or realize how they can make changes. It can also stimulate you to realize what you have accomplished by writing it down and remembering what you are doing in day to day life. I feel like I have been so stagnant the last couple of months. Actually, physically I was stagnant but mentally my mind was churning. It was spinning somedays trying to figure out what the next step was going to be. There were days I just had thoughts swirling around trying to find what ideas made me squirm and what ideas invoked passion for me. I needed to find out what do I want to do?? Where I wanted to go. Should I leave and pursue my dream of living in Hawaii? I could attend school there too. What about Aspen, is better to stay so she can have a stable environment for school and friends? There were million things going through my head and it was hard to sort it all out. I am still not done. It is all a work in process but this is a beginning for me.
Why at age 37 am I questioning what I will be when I grow up, still??? Shouldn't I know by now? Shouldn't I have all the answers by now? I am almost 40 and what have I accomplished in this life? Is that important? Does it matter more to me or to other people? What is the dream job and where do I want to retire someday? So many thoughts and questions have been though my head of the last few months. Now I need to take action and move forward. I have to remember not to squander this time and money I have been given because I know I will sorely regret it.
Until the next round...ding ding ding
The layoff was a surreal experience. I had already been through it twice before with them and by this time I felt like a pro. I had been down the road for various reasons and results in the past. This was no different than before but at least I was still getting paid. In fact they kept the 300+ people on payroll till November 28th, the day before my birthday. Wow, this company really knows how to make a person feel good! Happy Birthday, see ya! At least this time I was getting a decent severance package - 4 months to be exact. Woo hoo!
Initially, I was all set to run out and get a job so I could bank some money. That would be the smart thing to do! LOL Then I wanted to take a vacation but Aspen's school schedule didn't work out for that and I basically felt uncomfortable running off at Thanksgiving since I didn't know what I wanted to do yet. So we stuck around town and had a nice time with friends. It was very relaxing. I should have run off to Sedona like I originally wanted to do but I let fear of the uncertainty cloud me.
As luck would have it, Aspen was going through some really rough times at her new school. Her grades were suffering, her behavior was suffering and she was basically a complete jerk to live with. Since I didn't have a job, it was a lot easier to stay on top of her and the school regarding her performance. I spent a lot of time emailing and calling teachers as well as chaperoning for her orchestra class. I was doing as much as I could to stay in contact with the school and monitoring Aspen at home as well. No longer was she a latch key kid. I was and still am home everyday she gets home from school which has not been the norm in our lives. This is structure she really needed and didn't enjoy at first. Now that she is adjusted to it, I think she might actually miss if I am not here when gets off the bus.
Next my dad decided to come to see us at my new house. He also wanted to clean out his garage/barn and fill my garage with the crap that has been stored there for the last 5 years!! Ugggghhhhh! Now I am back at square -55 (going backwards instead of forward). Oh well, it was cool having my dad stay with us and driving him around the city. My family is not very close so to do anything together is out of the ordinary! I also decided to jump in the truck with him and drive back to Wyoming for Xmas. So we packed up the car with Xmas gifts for the family, some clothes and the dogs and off we went. I also reserved a one way rental car from Denver to Cheyenne for $340 which was way cheaper than round trip plane tickets and the cost of boarding 2 dogs at the kennel.
It was a nice trip. Very cold weather that was too cold to snow so it made for good driving conditions. People in Texas always love that comment - too cold to snow? Yes, that is why I left the frozen tundra of the north - too cold and too windy!! I met up with a few old friends from high school and hung with my family. I spent the day and night in Denver on my way back to Texas. That was loads of fun to be able to reconnect with a couple of people in Denver. The best part of driving was not being on a set time frame that an airline ticket would have imposed. I loved the freedom to come and go as I pleased and not worry if I was off schedule by an hour or so. Hell, I didn't even set a schedule! I just went with the flow and I loved it!
So here I am back in Texas. I have decided that I need to go back for a Master's Degree in Psychology. I also need to find some good employment that will offer me the flexibility to work and go to school but still pay my bills timely. I am on unemployment and still waiting for my first payment since my former employer has not responded the inquiries about my employment status. So not only do they lay us off and make us sign a Non Compete Agreement (god forbid should be allowed to find employment with someone that would want our skills or knowledge) they don't respond to the Unemployment Office so we don't get paid on time. So, do I feel bad they let me go or that I decided to take the severance instead of securing alternative employment with the company?? Hell no, I do not feel bad. I deserve this break no matter how frugal or uninspired it may seem to others.
So my current goals are to get some more resumes out to the city and find the right job. I need to research the GRE testing and study for it to prepare for applying to grad school in the fall. I also need to get my lazy ass back in the gym. I need to start doing things that inspire me again like writing and reading. I have been reading quite a bit but not writing. So I am rejuvenating my blog again. I think it is therapeutic to write. Whether it is on paper or on a computer. It stimulates the mind. It helps a person look at their thoughts or feelings and truly grasp or realize how they can make changes. It can also stimulate you to realize what you have accomplished by writing it down and remembering what you are doing in day to day life. I feel like I have been so stagnant the last couple of months. Actually, physically I was stagnant but mentally my mind was churning. It was spinning somedays trying to figure out what the next step was going to be. There were days I just had thoughts swirling around trying to find what ideas made me squirm and what ideas invoked passion for me. I needed to find out what do I want to do?? Where I wanted to go. Should I leave and pursue my dream of living in Hawaii? I could attend school there too. What about Aspen, is better to stay so she can have a stable environment for school and friends? There were million things going through my head and it was hard to sort it all out. I am still not done. It is all a work in process but this is a beginning for me.
Why at age 37 am I questioning what I will be when I grow up, still??? Shouldn't I know by now? Shouldn't I have all the answers by now? I am almost 40 and what have I accomplished in this life? Is that important? Does it matter more to me or to other people? What is the dream job and where do I want to retire someday? So many thoughts and questions have been though my head of the last few months. Now I need to take action and move forward. I have to remember not to squander this time and money I have been given because I know I will sorely regret it.
Until the next round...ding ding ding
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